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Childhood/DID-abuse and healing

My name is Wolfgang. I am a UK resident and Austrian citizen. I am a survivor of
childhood sadistic sexual abuse starting at a very early age and carrying on into teenage
and adult years. The abuse created a dissociative identity phenomenon which meant that
a part of me – which always remained that 5 to 13-year-old – would comply with unwanted
sexual acts while the rest of me knew nothing about it afterwards. The phenomenon was
created by the abusers deliberately in order to make the ongoing abuse possible. Today,
the phenomenon cannot be triggered anymore. I realize it represented a very specific
form of dissociative identity disorder (DID) as my alter only existed in situations of sexual
abuse. Allow me to share my story!

My alter was created during a series of violent gang rapes. The first rape I have clear
memories of now took place around age 5. The abuse started earlier. The scenes were so
overwhelming that I had to dissociate them. From that point on, it became possible to
trigger my dissociated alter and his compliance with unwanted sexual acts by simply
restaging certain key elements of the original scenes. Thus, the ongoing DID precisely
represented a forced repetition of the original trauma.

During those gang rapes I was beaten, whipped, raped, pet-played, forced to masturbate,
forced to perform oral sex, & other typical sadistic stuff; like having to say exactly what
they want me to say “you are my queen” whatever, “Yes, I want it”, “Please more!”, and so
on. All non-consensual.

Over the years, I attracted numerous abusive people who knew how to trigger my
dissociative identity phenomenon and even stalked me for it. As an adult, I simply repeated
my childhood trauma in a dissociated state when my childhood trauma was staged. I was
totally broken by childhood sadistic sexual abuse. I didn’t know about it. My childhood
trauma was staged by some teachers, priests, etc. I was constantly surrounded by people
who exploited my trauma. I was abused on stages in clubs, public & semi-public spaces. I
was sex-trafficked to celebs, royals, and other people of public life. I was sex trafficked in
my native Austria starting at around age 13; later in Germany, Thailand, & the UK.

Finally, as I was able to go back to the very beginning of it, even to my earliest memories, I
felt like regaining my heart, something like a core of myself – that place where you are in
touch with your impulses and know who you are and what you want. (That part of me had
drowned amidst all the violence.) And, as a result, the DID-phenomenon disappeared.

In more technical terms, the abuse had created what is sometimes called “weak ego-
strength” which describes an individual’s ability to maintain their identity and sense of self

in the face of pain, distress, and conflict. I didn’t know what I wanted and I wasn’t able to
make decisions for myself. Instead, I looked to others for guidance. I constantly asked
myself what everybody was thinking about me and I suffered from shyness to the point of
social anxiety.

Certainly, I do not claim that my healing journey is completed; but, my alter’s reintegration
into a stronger ego is. That part of the healing came about by a total recall of the original
trauma bit by bit. However painful recalling of events in itself was, with every bit of it I
almost was able to feel how my ego grew together. Thus, all of the pain instantly was
accompanied by tremendous joy. I cannot put it in other words but “regaining my heart”.
I think the details of my story could be quite an asset to researchers of sexual violence.
And, it is my hope that I will be able to add my share to end the normalcy of sexual
violence on this planet forever.

 

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