This is a letter from a survivor to a fellow survivor.
I felt compelled to write more. Remember the story about the chap who was jogging and dropped dead and didn’t say anything and how now I insist to myself that I do…
I would never want you to feel that I am imposing or in any way trying to manipulate you…I am here for you and that’s that.
I’ve been through the emotional expulsion. It’s massive. In my bible Mike Lew ‘Victims no longer’ (read 6 times!) it says that a survivor will cry 500 times on the journey to recovery.
I sought help because I was just bursting into tears and didn’t know why…I’d never cried…apparently preventing an abused child demonstrating emotion is part of the construct of a family that harbors abuse I discover…understanding this fact helped me. Disabling emotion is part of the control and suffocation of the child’s voice and potential exposure of their plight to the World. Cessation of the child’s feelings dilutes the shame that the abuser feels which ultimately they project onto the child.
Emotion is not for you. You’re not worthy.
I sobbed, I think, everyday for 18 months; sometimes tears just rolling down may face and, in the thick of it, I would be collapsed on the floor and dry retching violently whilst wracked with deep sobs.
Sometimes it felt overwhelming. I felt so alone and hopelessly forlorn; so weak and vulnerable. Realising the cruelty.
I actually wondered if I had been affected such that I would be crying forever, that this would be my on-going state of existence.
It passed. It took longer and longer than I thought. Often I wanted to turn away, distract or numb out. But it is an opportunity. The expulsion is the best thing. Each time I cried I got better, a step further along; although often it didn’t feel like it.
My advice…it’s coming like it or not…sit in the feelings, even turn back into them. Give yourself plenty of space. Everything else in life is peripheral right now. Get plenty of rest. Eat well. Do regular exercise; walking. Have superficial chats with folk – stay connected.
You’re going to be fine, Peter…have faith in yourself. Whilst you are crying you are winning.
It will pass.