No Shame, You’re Not to Blame
This blog post discusses the impacts of sexual abuse. If you are affected and need to speak to someone, please contact us via our helpline.
I first remember my twin at the age of 8 years old. Brother was on the shoulders of my father’s friend (who was approximately in his late 30s early 40s) being taken out to sea. My brother came out of the sea and asked my mother what’s a hard-on? My mother asked where my twin had heard that. My twin replied Keith was feeling me underneath and said he had a hard-on.
After an argument between my parents, we drove home from a cold rainy North Wales without Keith as Keith didn’t drive. Keith was a single man who had brought a big family caravan and would offer the caravan for free to families as long as he went with them. For about a year, we didn’t see Keith but slowly my father reintroduced Keith back on a weekend. This is when I first experienced the sexual abuse from him. I remember our father taking us shooting (I hated blood sport) my father make me go with Keith although I was crying and didn’t want to because I knew what was going to happen, which it did.
I would come home go upstairs on my own and cry out of fear and shame of what had happened. My father would beat my sister, brother, and me with the buckle of a leather belt for disobeying him. Our mother suffered from mental health issues and would sometimes beat us too. My father had extramarital affair which caused her to have a mental breakdown. After my father would come back late from the pub my parents would argue then our mother would walk out after threatening to commit suicide.
My sister and I would walk around our village late at night looking for our mother as our father slept. My father was warned by many people that Keith was a pedophile and liked young boys. But my father would laugh it off. In my 20s I was going to report my sexual abuse to the police, my father found out and said that Keith was going to write me a letter and offer me money which I would never expect. I didn’t go to the police.
In 2004 I joined West Midlands Police as a very proactive special constable. I loved policing and won a number of awards from bravery quality achievers and for my detections. I tried a few times to join the police full time but being Dyslexic I found it hard to pass their written tests.
In 2013 I was out with a friend who was a police Detective and worked with sexual offenders. I disclosed what had happened to me as a child. My friend encouraged me to report this historical sexual abuse, which I did. Working for the police I knew what was coming and what to expect. I found this very difficult. Keith was eventually arrested and bailed. Whilst on bail, Keith killed himself.
My father said to my mother he was thinking of going to Keith’s funeral to pay his respect. My mother told my father she would kick him out of the family home if he did.
Throughout my life I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety. I drank to block out my thoughts. In 2021, I lost my driving license through my drinking after crashing my car. This was a big wake-up call. From a child, I loved to paint draw, and sculpt. This I believe saved my life and help me cope with a horrible childhood. I now don’t drink, I’ve joined a gym and am looking to become a Counsellor to help people like me and many others.
I’ve started walking and doing these ‘no shame you’re not to blame’ blogs. Hopefully, I’ll write a book about my life from the sexual abuse unhappy childhood and my experience in the police. I produced colouring books for the police to use and donated 50 to West Midlands Police which they loved and go into the local press and West Midlands Police social media.
Now onwards and upwards I’m learning to face my mental health issues and overcoming them.