It has been five years since I had my appeal hearing at the CICA Tribunal. It involved an incident of drugging, robbery and sexual assault.

I am happy I took this path. Looking back now I can say it has helped me moving on and finally putting things in the past. In this sense the compensation scheme has worked for me.

The process was very demanding. At times it was hard to endure and it took a lot to persevere. There are no guarantees on the outcome and many a time I wondered if it was the right decision to go on. At the time I was struggling to get back on my feat, dealing with the trauma. Some of the time the fighting took all of my energy. I was afraid it might jeopardize my recovery from PTSD.

One of the things that kept me going was a poster I saw on the wall of the police station reporting the incident. It said “You have the right NOT to remain silent.” It stuck in my mind and I kept it as a motto and encouragement for the next 18 month, the time it took to have my case heard at the Tribunal.

What mattered most was being heard, being listened to. Being heard by an official public body with authority to give an independent, impartial judgement. To plead my case, to be able to have my say and stand up against presumptions and disbelieve.

Not being believed had been an issue from the moment I stepped from the police station after failing to have my incident reported as a crime. The officer had looked me in the eye some moments and told me “No, I am not convinced.” In spite of all my efforts to have the incident reported I was dismissed.

Walking from there I realised why I had never spoken out at the time as a thirteen year old on the sexual abuse I was subjected to. I had been afraid “the grown ups” would not believe me. And now when I spoke out on something similar happening to me forty years on I was turned away empty handed.

The next day I finally succeeded in reporting the incident to an other officer. At the time I was only aware of drink spiking and the robbery. Due to the effects of the drugging it took five days for me to recall the sexual assault that also had been part of the incident.

Given my personal history I felt that I had no other choice than making sure this was added to my report. Suffering from a sexual assault as an adult male forty years after something of this nature happening to me as a boy was almost unbearable. There was no other way to live with myself than fighting back now. I would not have been able to look myself in the eye if I had left it at that.

In the end I did get the justice I sought, even though this was not in a criminal court. From the start I had been well aware seeking justice in a case like mine would very difficult. In the end I was told other suspects doing similar things to other men had been caught and convicted. I was glad to hear an end had been put to this kind of criminal activity and my efforts had helped the police to become aware of this.

Being able to fight back, to have my say, to be taken seriously as a person, as a human being has helped so much. It helped me moving on, looking forward, leaving the incident in the past. It will always remain a very significant part of my personal history but I have come through this and can look forward now. It gave me back my life and the future.

Fighting this battle made me realise how strong I can be. It made me feel like a man. I experienced my masculinity. I had been reading a book on Childhood Sexual Abuse with the title “The Warrior within”. I can say now I unleashed my inner Warrior. I noticed how tall I am (6 feet 3 inches) something I had not really noticed before.

Going through the process of applying, review and appealing has restored control over my life. Loss of control is the major issue in sexual violence. Regaining control through your own efforts is of great help in the healing process.

There may be a thin line, a delicate balance involved in making the right choices if you are faced with this. Some battles cannot be won and sometimes it may be wise to draw the line for your sanity and health sake. At times I wondered if I was making the right choice pursuing my case, if it might be detrimental to my recovery and make me get stuck in bitterness and resentment.

I am happy to say in the end it worked out very well for me. There are no guarantees, each case will be different and sometimes rules will prevent a positive outcome. However the hearing process does give an opportunity to be heard and the judgement will be explained.

I am glad I was able do this and I am grateful for the outcome and the help I was offered. Particularly GALOP was very important to me and also some officers from the Met Police where very helpful.